What We Have to Unlearn as Older Child Adoptive Parents

Older child adoptive parenting means learning. Learning about adoption options. Learning about parenting. Learning about grief and loss.

But, sometimes, we have to unlearn things.

If we love our child they will attach to us. We may have had biological children where the attachment and bonding was smooth and became solid. We may have been told by our adoption agency, "All they need is a good home and lots of love." All older adopted children have some degree of attachment issues. It's our responsibility as parents to create an environment that will help our children attach to us. And, if our children do not attach in spite of our knowledge and efforts about the attachment and bonding process, we need to find experienced, trained attachment therapists to assist.

Regular parenting techniques i.e. rewards, charts, stickers, will motivate them. Our kids may not have the internal self-regulation and self-esteem required for them to be positively motivated. They may have come from orphanages or foster homes where this type of reward system wasn't used. Or, our kids may suffer from various biological or psychological issues i.e. ADHD, bipolar, PTSD, or attachment disorder that makes it impossible to work for rewards until they've undergone therapy, therapeutic parenting, or other interventions to teach them the requisite internal tools that will help them be motivated to do well.

A stern voice or time out will change their poor behaviors. Some older adopted children arrive into their forever homes with limited understanding of cause and effect. Their world is so self-focused that external nudges are not enough to get them to change their behaviors. Often, our kids need long-term Love and Logic type parenting where they eventually learn that their own choices result in varying consequences. Some consequences they will like, some they don't, but they're in charge of their actions.

The techniques our parents used with us can be modified and used with our own kids. Some of the parenting actions and phrases that are ingrained in us from our own parents work well. Others, often the negative parts of our own parents, get in the way of effectively parenting our children. Whether it's an expectation of perfection, a favoring of one sibling over another, a habit of yelling, or a continuous tone of sarcasm, we need to change. We need to identify these bad parenting habits and work to eliminate them.

Public schools are good places for learning. If our children are compliant, and smart in the ways that public schools expect children to be smart, our child will do well. If, however, our child learns differently, suffers from a psychological disorder, or has other issues that don't fit the "mold," our child will suffer. Schools are required to provide an appropriate education for our children, but they're strapped financially and don't have the services your child needs. If your child doesn't fit the school "mold," you'll spend lots of time learning and advocating for your child.

Older child adoption is a never-ending educational and enlightening experience. Both what we have to learn, and what we have to unlearn.

© Susan M. Ward