Just The Mom

Doctors know more. Therapists know more. Teachers know more. In many situations, parents are thought to know less than the "specialists." Not only is it frustrating and humiliating, but it can be harmful to our children.

As parents of children who were adopted at older ages, we often become very educated about complex issues that our kids face. The topics may be connected to their emotions and behaviors: grief, anxiety, adjustment, attachment, and trauma. Or they may be related to biological disorders: bipolar, learning differences, or autism. Sometimes our children have multiple issues.

Especially when it comes to complex children, there is seldom an easily-formulated approach to helping our children. They may need occupational therapy, physical therapy, tutoring, medications, and psychological therapy. Most of the doctors and specialists dealing with our children deal with one or at the most two issues. It's the mom (parents) who looks at the full package of needs and concerns. Most of the teachers who deal with our children see the educational gaps, but don't know that there may be interrelated psychological or biological issues. It's the mom (parents) who look at the interconnecting needs of their child.

It can be both frightening and awe-inspiring to realize, as you explain post-institutionalized issues to a pediatrician, that you know more than many highly-trained professionals. It can be annoying and damaging, as you listen to educators discuss how your child "won't obey," when you know it's due to the trauma they faced in the early years of their life.

Stories abound, however, about parents being treated as dimwitted and lacking in knowledge. Stories such as: Parents not allowed into treatment team meetings. Parents not listened to in IEP (Individualized Education Plan) discussions. Parents ignored by teachers when requesting specific levels of accountability with their child. In all cases, it's because the professionals believe they know more than the mom (parents).

There is no simple formula for shifting people's perceptions from you being "just the mom" to being a well-informed adjunct of any team or professionals treating your child, but here are a few thoughts:

• In meetings and discussions, be well-organized and use visual aids where appropriate.
• Use analogies. Sometimes a related example or story can change someone's perception of what you're trying to explain.
• Be calm, yet persistent.
• Bring in support i.e. others who can corroborate your information.
• Don't let your own ego or anger get in the way of getting your child the best treatment they need. If you get rattled or off-track in a meeting or discussion about a critical issue, excuse yourself for a few minutes to re-group. Or, ask that the meeting or discussion be continued at another time.
  
• Be tough. Be stubborn. Stand up for your child. Continue to show the professionals that you are more than "just a mom."

Written by: Susan M. Ward, an older child adoption specialist, provides parent coaching and resources for adoptive families. Susan's training has focused on adoption issues relating to attachment, grief, and parenting. She's also the adoptive parent of a child healed from RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Her website is Older Child Adoption Support